Friday, January 6, 2017

Dear Sons What A Difference A Year Makes

(written in the SUmmer of 2015)

A little more than a year ago I worked for assholes galore. I woke up at 3:45am every morning, not because my body was accustomed but because I suffered from anxiety and stress and for years had not been able to achieve a full night's sleep beyond three hours. I binged at night on food or alcohol to self medicate myself to get through the days and weeks and months. My goals were to live long enough to see each of you get into college and then graduate without obstacle or financial debt around your necks. I was paid over six figures where I worked but nothing of value was produced there, I was told to fake it so that everyone who WAS faking it could also get paid. It was a multi-million dollar boondoggle of epic proportions and I was forced to be complicit - because I believed I couldn't walk away from the money that we would use to get you beyond living my crap eating job.

For years you watched me change from the energetic, larger than life woman on a mission to make this world (in my own circle and reach) a better place, at least where the three of you could roam without fear and with reality it became obvious that there will never be such a thing. Companies don't give a shit about their employees and they don't even care if they waste millions protecting a reputation that is actually bought and paid for and not earned. The funny thing - this is a side note about countries - is that the English country that own the name and brand and the executives I've met from England actually are more in tune to what I'm talking about but they left the managing of the US side to Americans who don't have a clue nor want one. So while the Brits get all the flack on a universal scale it's the scumbag Americans who are tarnishing the name and ruining the company. Go figure. But I digress. Back to us.

My day was like that of a prison inmate, up at the same hour, forced to go through the dumbest shit by rote, rarely meetings of substance or value with supervisors and managers who couldn't manage shit out of a diaper bag. Blah, blah, blah, payday, collect your check and go. We all know way too many people who think I hit pay dirt! Six figures to do nothing but bullshit! Really?!?! Yet the price was to listen to assholes degrade women and LGBT and Muslims and you name it. The more ignorant you were the more you fit in. It was heinous and torture and well, momma put up with it for you.

It's a year later and Hallelujah! Momma is FREE! Momma is so free and happy that she can't contain herself. Oh we went through some changes but not for what outsiders may think. Because we had always struggled this kind of financial struggle was actually something we spoke of. We switched gears and while not fast enough in some cases it was enough to keep you all exactly where you had to be. The best thing about going from six figures to zero is that all of a sudden you can be eligible for just about everything and boys were WE eligible. We received aid just long enough until momma put her game plan into action.

Yeah, I took a few months. After all it had been over two decades since I'd been without a job but to now have endless days before me where I can sleep in if I wanted was more than this working girl could comprehend! It took months before all my old habits finally began to wash away!

Here we are, a full year later. I get up somewhere between 5am and 7am on any given day (depends on what momma was up to the night before!) and I wake up smiling and listening to the birds outside my windows. It also depends on which city I wake up in but that's more on the journey I took to get me here. I either make myself some coffee or order some. I did the tea for months which I know is much healthier but there's something about having an amazing cup of latte first thing in the morning. I shower and sit down to catch up on distracting but trending news from my several go-to websites for things relevant.