Mom's at it again. She's trying to save the world and she left the house without her cape or brain for that matter. So sad.
Do you remember when you were all little and used to ask me about all the wrinkles on my forehead and my downturned mouth? I'd tell you I was practicing to play Worf's girlfriend in Star Trek, The Next Generation television series. Well, let's not ponder over that nonsense. Anyway, mommy always had a habit of playing chess with all of life's trials and tribulations. I always tried to figure out every possible answer to every possible question, you'd thought I was studying to go on Jeopardy.
"I'll take Worrywarts for $200 Alex"
What can I say boys, your mom is a worrier. But I'm happy to announce that for a while now I've been working really hard at not being so hard on myself. After all, it WAS my job to worry. I have the most important job in the world. Taking care of you. Now, now, I know you all are grown and practically out of the house but a mom's job is to make sure she takes care of her children. You shouldn't have to be the ones to worry about things like the light bill or if I have enough for tuna fish for lunch tomorrow. I know I'm doing the right thing by telling you when those things happen and not pretending that everything is alright. We're partners in life and always will be. It's just how I know that when the time comes for you to be on your own that you all will be alright. Yet I worry.
It's hard work so don't let anyone tell you differently. Juggling four lives is no easy feat. I wanted each and every one of you to have every opportunity to have good lives. It's why I did what I did, worked as much as I could, studied about the world and culture and places. We were doing more than watching silent movies or broadway shows together. We were scoping out all the possibilities and FOR YOU! I'll have my shot at seeing the world but seeing it with you, through your eyes really means so much more to me. For you, the universe was truly going to be your playground. But it's dangerous out there and no one will ever look out for you the way I do. What do I say? Out there people will say you're nothing, but here, at home with me, you are my world. Say what you want about your new found relationships when you get older or get into them. NO ONE. NO ONE will love you and champion for you like I will. There is only one me. Don't laugh, I know AND that my loves is saying a lot. I'm intense!
I've "been there" and contrary to what you may think, I've been your age, sometimes two, three times for good measure! Why that's why I started this letter because for a week I've been acting like a fool, acting fifteen! See, we can all be foolish mortals at any given time. All that's needed is the right circumstance or person to bring it out in us. Anyway, you know what I say about relationships. "Relationships come and go, but the children born from those relationships - THEY are THE FOREVER. You boys are MY FOREVER. While we don't live with dad you've never had to worry about not seeing him around. Mom would never keep your dad from you. You are the best part of him. Please understand that love is complicated. Mom and dad love each other, we just couldn't live with each other. We'd evolved into two entirely different people. But you boys, you are the absolute purest and best of both of us and we both love you. While he and I didn't agree on a lot of things when we decided to go our separate ways, while we both left feeling hurt, we were blessed in knowing that we couldn't place the burden of that hurt on any of you. We had to be grown up about it and put our personal feelings for each other aside and partner in parenting to bring you three up. So while your dad's life has moved on and you have seen him in relationships and you've definitely seen me struggle to come into my own, you've had us both there, the good, the bad and everything in between.
So back to Crazy Street. Sometimes I get too intense, as this mother does. The Engineer in me kicks in and I want to solve problems that aren't even there. Haley Joel Osment saw dead people, mom sees problems that she THINKS may need solving. I can't help it because it's what I'm paid for. I'm expected to solve problems, find pathways not traveled, come up with the next greatest and best thing for people. I scare people away because it's like playing chess with people who only came around to play checkers. I let my imagination get away with me and you know what that means! Yes, like the time I decided to take each of you out of school and the Principal yelled at me and I told her that my sons were going out to make memories and that one week out of school wasn't going to harm them! Then we flew off to Disney World! Yes, mom gets that way sometimes. Well, a lot. Hey, I've no regrets. Mickey was exceptionally great that year and boohoo to the Principal or anyone else. WE made a marvelous memory together. "I love it when a plan comes together!" (Yes, I'm Hannibal of the A Team and I love that you all know the show and we've watched it together regardless of how dated and cornball it was)
So this week mom was feeling fifteen and the wheels on the bus were just grinding and grinding and I gave myself a concussion practically. You see, there was this boy. Oh I can't be too specific. You all know mom can not be getting sick over imaginary things! Why I have every intention to live to be a hundred just so that I can get on your nerves when you're older. I have it all planned out! Oops! There I go again.
Mom's better now. Maybe the boy was a figment of her imagination but you know what, it was fun wondering for a while. I promise if anything real materializes you all will be the very first I run to with the news. So now, the bus is parked and I've given all the wheels flats. I've been as good a mom as I can be for these last 25 years (yes, I'm counting the nine months sweety!) and it's me time now. I really must stop trying to figure everything out, even problems that may or may not arise. It's tiring and no fun. Mom is in much need of fun right now. It has been an intense decade, that's for sure.
Mom's on a wonderful journey, re-discovering herself and her childhood and it's an amazing and wonderful thing! I don't think I've been this happy in eight years! And we all know why that is! Just reread my first book, Defining Moments! Mommy was NOT a happy camper. Settling into a life of serving my purpose always had me fulfilled but it's been such a long time since I've felt carefree, happy and dare I say it, truly in love? I do feel carefree. I do feel happy.
I look at all of you and see that being that serious mom paid off. We have talked through all of my mistakes so you'll have something to go on IF you ever find yourself in a similar situation. Remember though, don't worry your way into them, that's not for single people without children! Now, when you have children (notice I didn't say "if") then you'll have a bit more brain power to exert but this Glam Ma will be right there, laughing at you the whole time, waiting for my hugs and apologies. Seriously, you all were too amazing to raise, I can't say enough on how I'd live my life, the same way, all over again. Yes boys, the same, exact life. Every painful moment too.
Why? Can't you see it on my face? Because everything I did, every good, great, stupid, crappy, silly thing I did, gave me all of you and led me here. HERE. TODAY. THIS MOMENT. I am breathing in this moment deeply and my body is radiating energy, love and filling me with such peace and calm and pure joy. I am loving this moment. I am looking forward to the next. I have no idea where it will take me but you know what, no more trying to figure that out, then figure out "what ifs".
Well, unless it's "what if the boys cook dinner tonight so I won't have to".
I adore you all.
(look, no need for meds!)
Carmen M. Colon is a mother, an engineer, an education and childrens advocate, an author and a workshop facilitator on the topics of leadership, womens empowerment, career advancement and now on parenting. She is writing a series of "Dear Kids" letters to her three sons on a series of topics and issues.
Her website is http://carmenmcolon.info
Her books can be found online: http://amazon.com/author/carmencolon
Mother to three amazing self sufficient civic minded sons. Devin Christopher, 24, Fashion Designer, college student in NYC and youngest athletic director ever hired at a major sports complex in NYC. Antonio Fernandez, 20, choreographer, dancer, model, college student in NYC, has already performed with Cyndi Lauper at the Beacon Theatre and simply ready for his close-up. Taylor Aidan, almost 18 (at this release), HS Senior in NYC, amazing singer who is studying to be the next greatest sign language interpreter the world's ever known. (DISCLAIMER: Ok, mom wrote that.)