Sunday, August 18, 2013

Dear Sons, Mom's Been In Need Of Some Serious Healing

Dear boys;

I guess you've been wondering what's gotten into me lately. After all, you've seen me at my worst for so long that by now you know all the signs.

Don't talk to mom early in the morning, she'll be moody. Don't talk to mom when she get's home, for AT LEAST an hour, she'll get crabby. Don't talk to mom right before she goes to bed or she'll go off. Sigh......... yes, it's been a hard decade for mom.

I want you to know that you all have been great and amazing sons. You've endured me in my maniacal manic slumps and have been right there with me during my insanely Bi-Polar highs as well. Raising you has been the most amazing part of my life bar none. None of the other things I've done compare to the awesomeness that it is of being your mother. You are the only human beings on earth that knows what it is to live with such a simple yet complicated human being like me and I believe you can live anywhere, with anyone and will be fine. A testament to all that is so great about each one of you.

See, love is complicated. Oh it's easy to love another human being but to do so in a healthy way is where it gets really messy. You have to start by loving yourself first. Yep, this is my A-HA. I didn't realize this until recently. Oh we all here the slogans, the mottos, the taglines, the quotes..."LOVE" is everywhere, being forced down our throats, embedded into our psyches, sold in every ad.

RuPaul said it, “If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”

I've spent my adult life looking for something that I should have simply been giving to myself all along. The part about adding another person really has everything to do with sharing time and space. If two people who love themselves can enjoy their time and space with another human being then, voila! That's "love". Well dammit, so it took me 47 years to figure that shit out!

For the past few years you've seen me go in and out of hibernation, a licking of my wounds after what I thought were failed relationships. In fact my darlings, I was trying to make those connections into things they weren't. I was trying to make them out to be the fairy tales I grew up with and we were the characters of those great sagas. LOL, yes, your mom is crazy but she has an AMAZINGLY creative imagination. After all, if I'm going to be the heroine of my own novel, I'm going to BE THE HEROINE. And here in was the problem, I thought that my trials and tribulations were failures when in fact I was just hurting and looking for solace.

I have some very deep wounds my darlings but I promise you that I am healing, finally. The tears you may catch a glimpse at are healing tears. I've been avoiding the wounds for so long that the scars are many. It will take a while and when I slip, maybe into an old habit that doesn't do me any good, I try not to be too hard on myself, I try to find out why I slipped into that old habit and what was I trying to avoid again.

Some of my wounds have to do with those who you know I've devoted my time to. I'm always in awe of your candidness when I ask for your opinion of a love interest. I'm sitting here beaming from the inside out as I remember your responses, "as long as you're happy". You all say that first. I am so blessed that you've all persevered during these rough times for me. That at least you all did as I preached and not as I'd done. You all love yourselves first and it is so obvious to all I introduce you to just how mature and amazing you all are. So unique, fabulously one of a kind - times three!

My wounds also have a great deal to do with my fears. I was afraid for so long that I couldn't raise you right, in terms of finances and so the harder I worked the more afraid I was that I'd never make enough. Then the issues with the house started in 2008 and well, foreclosure is a frightening frightening thing and I was hellbent on enduring it alone (yeah, see above, self-love, gotta have it). So, you see, your mom's been blaming herself for everything, everything and probably all of the world's issues for good measure. If things didn't go right between me and someone I loved I'd blame myself, if work didn't go well, I'd blame me, yes. mom was a sad bundle of blame for a very long time. And doing that for a very long time does exactly what it did to me, it made me physically ill. Then I spent the years in silence afraid I was dying when in fact it was the fear that was killing me; slowly, painfully.

I've not always been there for you and it is some of why my heart breaks but once I realized that I wasn't there for myself, so how the heck could I be there for anyone else. It took a long time getting here and I have a great way to go.

This year has been pivotal. I came close to marrying again which was honestly frightening for me, and I'd witnessed the passing of so many people my age as well. I think the fact that by this time next year each of you will be in your own respect colleges at the same time and I'll be home alone was the beginning of the end of this vicious cycle I'd been in. My young men, each one on your individual journeys of your lives and that part of my life as Mother Hen/Tigress, for good or bad, will be over. Onto Supportive Mom next and I'm looking forward to that with great gusto as well.

So you see kids, mom's working on herself now and just like Dolly Levi I think it's time for me to join the human race and not be so hard on myself. I see forest green shutters in my life, starting right now, actually, I'm several weeks into this new found love for myself and it's going to take some getting used to. I've a great many excuses and distractions at the ready and I'm sure you've seen me hiccup a few of those buggers in the last few days.

NOTE: "Always" and "Never", not a couple of great words, believe you me. I try not to use them. Well, except for when I say I love you. ALWAYS. That's because I mean it, from within my soul, energy flowing through all my chakras (now if you ask then I'll make you listen so don't, LOL), from every level of consciousness that is me, when I say I LOVE YOU, it is real, it is pure. I've gone over everyone I've said that to and I realize I do. I did and I will always love them for the people they are, even now. They were special, to me, at one point in my life and I love their souls. (no, relax, I will not be revisiting any of those paths) Mom's finally let go, of the ideas of them all. Letting go of the idea is the hardest thing to do, I'd spent a life clinging to ideas.

So, mom is now on the journey of healing herself by loving herself first. Oh I have frightened myself into old habits once or twice but I'm getting better, I feel it, in my soul and in my bones. I laugh easier, I cry easier, I love easier and I'm having the time of my life with myself. Being your own BFF is interesting but I check in with myself first now, as best as I can until I hope it becomes second nature.

My darlings, if you see me down or pensive and you want to ask me what's wrong, it's alright. I've not been in a crabby moody mood for days now. Uhm, but it's still not a good idea to catch me before I go to bed... LOL. I need my beauty sleep.

Love ALWAYS,
Mom




Carmen M. Colon is a mother, an engineer, an education and childrens advocate, an author and a workshop facilitator on the topics of leadership, womens empowerment, career advancement and now on parenting. She is writing a series of "Dear Kids" letters to her three sons on a series of topics and issues.
Her website is http://carmenmcolon.info
Her books can be found online: http://amazon.com/author/carmencolon

1 comment:

Debbie Ferrigno said...

With the exception of your foreclosure headaches mentioned in your article (something i am not experiencing), I do believe you could have written this article about me! Perhaps women who are in the same age bracket as we are can relate to this article as well. I do believe life is a never ending journey, that you should enjoy the sights along the way and embrace the good with the heartaches. It is those heartaches that helps you decide which road to take next in the hopes it will lead you to your land of Oz.