Sunday, November 15, 2015

Reputation and Revenue

There was a time integrity was everything. Companies were ruined if their scandals came to light and reputations meant the difference between being on top or ending on the bottom. Nowadays perception becomes the reality so the ones who can manipulate social opinion become king makers and dream breakers.

The beauty of being true to yourself is that you can't really change. People wish they could be more of many things in their professional life, more outspoken, more intuitive when it comes to who to trust but you can't change who you are fundamentally and you can't waste time worrying about things that have come and past. You can of course continue to be you and that can be your greatest asset.

Everyone loves a rags to riches story or a sinner finding faith and therefore peace at the end of the day. In politics and in companies there are so many who strive for their dreams and find themselves being obstacles in the paths of many, some who are not ethical or simply seeking attention and glory by cutting corners and treating others like garbage. Having had just a couple of those in a 30+ year span makes me quite lucky but that pathetic piece of garbage cost that company millions and continues to do so. I could have made taking them down my mission but being me I knew they mattered very little in the scheme of things. After all you get what you paid for and the company backed the lame horse so C'est la vie. Life had way bigger issues to gt involved in and to truly make a difference. So while they lied and tried to besmirch my good name to cover up their crimes I went to mentors whose reputations withstood the test of time, decades of civil rights advocacy, men and women who lived what they offered in advice and I learned the three things that made me realize I'd win no matter what.

1. You Are Never What People Say You Are

We've all taken those tests to help us pinpoint the type of people we are, categorize ourselves for a better understanding on how to present ourselves, for interviews or writing our biographies. Society and big business takes seriously just how we sell ourselves or come across others in group settings. We are not what we say we are, we are not what others say we are. It is hoped that people are clear and truthful when they write their resumes and biographies for profiles like Linkedin but we know there are liars out there and some good ones who get away with portraying themselves as something they are not. Then there are those who are more than they let on because they've not the words or chutzpah to be their own champions. When my boys would come to me disheartened because someone they thought was a friend had turned out to be nothing of the kind I had to explain that people are what they tend to do over a long period of time and not what they say they are.

I also explained that people are going to believe whatever they want about a person and so you shouldn't care. I am grateful for that time "in politics" because it freed me from a lifetime of feeling obligated to be more for others. Once you get targeted by those who wish to paint a different picture you begin to understand that it's a very sick and sad game to many and that real life is how you choose to live your life day to day and who you spend time with and what you devote your time to, not the garbage of gossip mongers. You will always be that picture they paint so simply embrace that picture as a character in a book written by idiots. Embrace all your characters and make them work FOR YOU.

So I taught my sons that "haters are going to hate". Those who don't like you, who wish to cause you or your reputation harm add a spotlight. They'll never change their minds so they are not relevant. Who cares. Those that care will know the truth and those who don't know you will want to get to know you to find out for themselves. As time progresses people end up in one of two categories. Those who believe the hype and so what, they don't pay your bills and those who don't and add positivity to your life. The wonderful thing about "haters" is that they add to your story, they make you legend among those who care to learn the truth and in time you can laugh at all the attempts people make to tell a story that isn't real. As long as you do not live in that reality you are above all that toxic fray. Live among the others, the people who have seen, heard and lived the reality of who you are and see beyond the gossip and lies, that is where you realize you belong.

I tell my sons to write everything down, on paper and on a personal blog because there may come a day when what people write looks nothing like what happened. Having both can help one regroup and center themselves (and it's great for evidence if needed!) What is also wonderful is taking full ownership of who you are. Normal is being in the middle of the spectrum. Being Bi-Polar and seeing how society is told of this condition, how one is treated I've come to see that it's more hype than anything. Just another way of setting people apart. That is fine with me since my condition has been one of the best reasons I've come so far in my professional life. What others see as a detriment I've come to see as my greatest asset, my symptoms. (that's a blog entry for another day) So call me crazy (pun intended) but since I've been open about it for almost a decade, whatever names or excuses people come up with to chastise me or crucify me actually mean nothing to me. Haters are going to make me legendary.

2. All Press Is Good Press

Some of the biggest names in politics have told me point blank that "all press is good press". I've seen that first hand. Having volunteered for NYC politicians since I was 13 I've seen men and women who I thought were good - and evil - come and go, rise and fall and be vindicated or persecuted in the community or press. A couple that I've come to know have gone to jail. Some have disappeared, maybe out of shame or simply they grew tired of it all, never to be heard about and others came back from jail only to soar even higher (to my amazement but apparently not to others). Revenue goes to the ones who know how to use it to their advantage, good or bad. Companies who lie, cheat and steal from their customers can either get hit hard or spin it so they bypass prosecution. We read about these things every day. This is not new.

Having taught my sons that money is merely a resource, one of many they've come to see it for what it truly is. It does not define them because there are so many other things of more value in life and with an abundance of those you don't miss having great amounts of money. I laugh because I know people whose entire lives revolves around their bank accounts, it is what defines them and they all band together and laugh and point at people who think as I do - telling the world my opinion would change if I were to be overflowing with cash. This is the funny thing, I've made a million dollars in my lifetime ( and I'e have traveled outside of the United States. I might not have done a fraction of what the wealthy have but I've seen and done amazing things in my 49 years. I've also worked in so many different types of jobs that I appreciate some things in all of them. I love working with my hands as well as working on team projects. I enjoyed field work when it was honest and I enjoy conferences and expos.

Revenue will follow anything that is being sought after. Supply and demand. If the demand is for gossip then it can be supplied and some create their entire lives around commentating on lies and make millions doing so. Others fight the good fight, lose battles but write books, go on interviews and win the war when everything is laid out before the public. As long as one is alive the ability to make money is there and in some cases even after death. Funny how people who have died have found their "stock" goes up afterward and it is because of their story and because of the stories generated. There is always opportunities to make money and once you decide what is your priority, to have the truth come to light, to make money, to ruin a good name, to hide your crimes from the public and that is where public interests will follow - as well as shareholder interests so it seems.

3. It's Not Where You Fell From But Where You Land

The internet is filled with stories of scandal and people being called everything negative (or positive) under the sun and the world being the drama-voyeur that it is watches as if everyone's life is a reality show they can enjoy without consequence. The difference is some of us welcome the world to come and watch and listen and make comments and opinions on every detail because when the truth must come out it must come out in its entirety. Groups of people being treated differently from others, victims paid off to keep quiet, closing ranks around perpetrators and loyal people treated like they're the enemy. Who doesn't want to know where the saga ends?

I'd been here once before when I'd tried my own hand at being a representative of the people. Having been a school board president while under the Bloomberg Administration I'd seen greed up close and how people who were trying to make ends meet found themselves having a price when it came to selling out on the good of the children and parents they represented. It is not for the faint of heart. My saving grace for never having to make those choices were that I didn't serve two masters and didn't have to. I had a job and I wasn't going to sell my constituents down the river for some admin job at the Board of Ed. Many did though. I saw someone who was an advocate for years and only making $30,000 a year turn their back on everything they fought for in exchange for a $125,000 job made up just for the purpose of creating havoc among the parents of public school kids. I thought then it was my job that saved me, that gave me the distance from having to make such life changing decisions. Decisions that of course would have impacted my family personally but worse would have negatively impacted all those children and parents for having sold one's soul. I was lucky and I used to praise my company and give them the credit for all of my successes because the people I'd worked for since then were the best in their fields and great mentors and allies. They've since left the company and had I been given the chance every time I insisted I'd leave for lesser pay I would have been better off somewhere else but I've come to accept and appreciate where I am today because a life is never over until its over and it's never where they made you stumble but where you landed. I landed on the side of angels and as it happens, the Pope. (stay tuned as my journey is one of amazing meetings and opportunities to really make a difference)

The wonderful thing about real life is just that. Come back to my "story" and maybe you can have a front row seat to the unveiling of the truth. Real life is public. Anyone can tune in as long as you know where and when it's going to take place.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Dear Sons It's Winter Time And I Can't Sleep

Dear Sons;
November came in with a vengeance. I woke up and immediately knew why - my feet were so cold! I stuck my head outside the backyard door, my way of testing the temperature for the day and figuring out what to wear. While many love the feel of the cool brisk air, when I felt it my heart went into a panic. I used to love Winter as a child and now as a mother I loathe it.

Boys, I loathe it. As you grew up into wonderful fine young men I knew. I knew that protecting you from the sicknesses of the world would get harder. Winter was coming and it was more than the weather that I needed to shield you from.

You are amazing young men now. You are upstanding, civic minded, compassionate, kind and loving young men. You are Black Latino men. So when I picked and chose your scarves and your hats and outer wear I always had to keep that in mind. No dark scarves and hats for you. For years you all balked at the bright and very obvious hat wear I chose for you. You made faces and said people would laugh and and smiled and told you that unique and bright was not only the way to go but the way to be seen. Why no mother wants her child almost camouflaged out there with those ridiculous New York City drivers and in the Winter Time! I was always fearful of bad driving and weather conditions making that even worse but I was also fearful that Black Men in dark clothes made for bad judgment calls from sick, stupid and ignorant people. So yes, your mom was grateful for neon and fluorescent and anything else that made you all stick out like sore thumbs because at least you'd have a greater chance of coming home safe.

The years you had to wear preppy style clothing and never be seen as "bummy" or "casual" outside our doors were no different. It was about character my loves but not yours. The shady character of people out in the world ready to be judge and jury and make you their victim. All for being who you are. My not allowing you to wear hoodies (how was I to know a decade later just how right I was) or dark scarves that covered most of your faces. You were never ever allowed to wear ski masks. Now that you all ski and snowboard I worry about that too. Scarves and hoods that are meant to protect you from the elements, keep your head warm and yet now only makes you yet another target and what's worse, now from the very people you expected to protect to.

I spun stories of how being unique in your style and learning to tune out the opinions of others made you into stronger men and I wasn't wrong about that. Yet I knew in my heart I had more motive to do so, to keep you safe from the injustices of others and allowing you a sliver of a childhood others enjoyed without any interruption.

You are all older now, on your own and you pick and choose what to wear as you please. You are wonderful men and so now I say it for you to hear it as clear as day. Do not wear dark clothes this Winter or hats and hoodies that conceal your face. Wear scrunchy wool hats and ear muffs and bright colored scarves. Don't wear worn out footwear or jeans when you go out. Please please don't wear hoodies but use thick scarves to guard your neck and shoulders from the cold. I say all this simply because you are Black and Latino. I say this because you are men. I say this because in this country you will be seen as invisible and used to make someone else's point all because all you were looking to do was try to stay warm.
Yes, I used to love Winter as a child but then I grew up and become a mother. A mother to amazing Black Latino boys and now I hate the Winter.
Please stay warm and always remember what I taught you and stay safe.

Love always,
Your Mom

Carmen M. Colon is a mother, an engineer by trade, an education and childrens advocate, an author and a workshop facilitator on the topics of leadership, womens empowerment, career advancement and parenting.
She is writing a book on a series of "Dear Sons" letters to her three sons on an array of topics and issues.
Carmen's website is
Carmen's books can be found online at both Amazon:
and Barnes and Noble at

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Latinas Who Launch Lives - An Interview With Maria Aponte, Activist, Author, Poet, Performing Artist, Educator

One of the greatest pleasures people should always acknowledge is meeting someone whose life's journey immediately impacts yours. To meet someone to look up to, who can mentor you and provide insight into the world at large is a priceless gift. In a world where we can so easily be made to feel marginalized and non-existent regardless of who we are, when we meet these people we find that we are in the presence of a pioneer in many ways.

I have always enjoyed meeting new people and when those people are known farther and wider than the circles I am familiar with it is exciting. For here is someone who fearlessly left "the nest", to go forth and "seek new experiences" beyond what they were taught and what they knew. Yes, I wanted to be just like them and when I met them I tried to soak in as much information of new things, as well as old customs, as I could.

These interviews are of such times. Welcome to my series of Latinas Who Launch Lives. For so many Latinas it seems we all have our set road to travel when it comes to family and along that road we find that circumstances veer us off and slams us into a life we would have never imagined. Along the way we meet iconic people or horrific people and we learn valuable lessons from them all. It shapes how we think, how we feel and how we proceed.

These women in this series used everything that was thrown at them to make a difference, not only for themselves and their families but also for their communities. They survive to tell the tale. They survive because they are not going to 'go off quietly or peacefully into the dark night'.

Maria Aponte

Community Arts Activist/Educator, Poet/Performance Artist, Maria works in Latino Theatre against racial discrimination and women’s rights. She has written and performed two one woman shows, Lagrimas de mis Madres an autobiographical play based on the women in her family, and I Will Not be Silenced based on the life of Sor Juana Ines de la Cruz. Maria has performed her work at various colleges/universities and conferences locally and nationally.
She has been featured on Bronx Net, News 12 and NBC Latino. In 2010, Maria received the V-DAY Award for special recognition from the Eve Ensler Foundation for “someone who has suffered or witnessed violence, and then does extraordinary work to make sure it doesn't happen to anyone else in their community.” In May 2013 Maria’s book, Transitions of a Nuyorican Cinderella won 2nd Place for Best Poetry in English at the International Latino Book Awards. Maria is a Career Counselor and Coordinator of Diversity Initiatives in Career Services at Fordham University. In May 2014 Maria received her Masters in Latin American and Latino Studies from Fordham University.

Maria is currently embarking on a new journey and is spearheading an event entitled Latinas Plus 50.

"In honoring these women I am creating an annual event that will highlight the selected Latina Women over Fifty who will be invited to a community gathering where they will have an opportunity to speak about their journeys of challenges and accomplishment. The women will be honored in their specific field, be it community activism, education, law or the arts. The inaugural Latina Fifty-Plus luncheon will be held on Saturday, June 21st , 2014 at Fordham University, Bronx Campus conjunction with the East Harlem Café, and I will be collaborating with La Casa Azul Bookstore to arrange press coverage for the event." ~ Maria Aponte

Interview With Maria Aponte

CMC: In a society that ostracizes women for getting older, does our traditional ways of reversing and respecting our elders clash or embrace women over 50?

Maria: In terms of ostracizing women for getting older I think that culturally we are in a transformation as to how society views women and aging. There seems to be a contradiction on how you are supposes to age, verses the idea that being youthful is still the cultural norm for acceptance. The whole concept of women aging and becoming acceptable is only about a decade old. And for as much as we publicly like to say that aging is becoming, it is not. When you look at the workforce and I say from the perspective that I work in a career counseling field, many older women and men are being phased out from their jobs because of age. When you work in a very youth oriented workforce the older woman tends to be shut out because they are placed in a category where they are related to the younger person’s parents age or what their concept of the older person should be and then the dynamics of interaction change.

As for our traditional ways of revering and respecting our elders and if our traditions respect or clash or embrace women over 50 depends on the person their background and family experience. In general, I feel that Latina women over 50 are expected to age a certain way and grow into the roles that traditionally has been held for older women. I think older women are embraced up to a certain extend. Again it goes back to the role that the woman has defined for herself from the very beginning in the family. So basically we are accepted for what we project to our families and to others. The tricky part is when one decides after several decades of doing the same thing and makes a decision to change, then it can become an issue for the rest of the family, friends. You are no longer in the familiar role that they know you for and that is the litmus test, will they accept the “new you” or not. Also, because we live in a more modernized version of what our parents and grandparents knew in terms of life style, cultural differences and interest I think that if a Latina over 50 is clear about what she wants then the support will come and should be there.

CMC: In your opinion, what do women over 50 have an advantage of over their younger sisters?

Maria: What women over 50 have over our younger sisters is time. And this is a personal comment not all women over 50 may feel this way. I feel that what we have is the wisdom of time. We have lived long enough to speak from that place of having had to deal with life in all its stages and have learned from our mistakes and are willing to move forward and let stuff go when we have to. I am not saying that younger women don’t I know some amazing younger women who are handling their lives very nicely and with strength. But there is something about being a woman in her 50‘s and older and the aging process that fortifies the spirit, especially after you have gone through menopause. There is a feeling of coming full circle with certain aspects of your life. That feeling of not doing enough or wondering if what you’re doing works passes. You are more settled in who and what you are. Because we have been through so many changes in terms of culture, society, history, modernization those life experiences do not come over night. I can certainly tell you that I don’t live nor think the way I did in my 20’s 30’s or 40’s. For me those were what I call the “life ladder lessons”. It was in learning how to deal with loss, death, and being alone that taught me how to be my best friend first. So imagine going through all of that and realize that you can have a certain kind of peace of mind that you value more than material things?

(PERSONAL NOTE: I love when mentors not only share their knowledge but also leave you with questions to ponder. Always take note. Did your mentor not only help you answer a few questions of your own but also set you on a further or new path? It is great when that happens)

Final question.

CMC: If you could please speak to the motivation and inspiration that moved you to begin this journey, can you tell us where would you like to see this event lead and progress to?

Maria: The reason I started Latina 50 Plus is because I felt that the voices of the Latina women over 50 was not being given that space to acknowledge their experiences. Particularly that my generation and older grew up in a time where it was not expected of us to be no more than what society wanted us to be. Our roles in life were delegated to being uneducated, working menial jobs and never to have the opportunity to go beyond high school let alone college. But that was not the way it was many of us went to college started careers were the groundbreakers for many social and cultural programs that started and are still in existence today, or have transformed into other programs. I wanted to create a program that would honor those women who stayed behind to make something work for their children and their community. Create a space for them to tell their stories and histories, especially their histories because history is slowly disappearing. I think it would be good for our younger sisters to learn from these women in their own words what it took to get to this place where information is dispensed instantly from those who put in those years of work and sacrifice to make life a lot easier for others today.

The future goal for Latina 50 Plus is to host an annual conference where Latina Elders will be invited to facilitate workshops where they can share their expertise in various career fields. Also, to start a scholarship fund for Latinas over 50 who may be in need to perhaps go back to school, take that art class, or self improvement workshop, Of course this is the concept and as the program grows this will be open to discussion. This is my vision as a Latina Elder and as someone who works with young folks all the time because I am surrounded by college age students and I hear their stories too. I want to leave them a blueprint and a map to the future and to let them know that with time it does get easier and life is meant to be lived with peace of mind and heart.

Thank you Maria Aponte.

Considering that I will be 50 shortly myself, this interview resonated with me on so many levels. As I am embarking on a voyage of rocky and frightening proportions, to meet such an individual as Maria always feels as if fate stepped in and reminded me that we have to seek out our next steps and solutions as they do not land in our laps as some would have you believe.

I was humbled and honored to be given some of Maria's time as she is busy and this new direction takes every moment she can allow outside of the rest of her life. Gracias hermana. May others, men and women, be made aware of the strides being made in this arena through your efforts and may you continue to impact the lives of people, whatever age, as you share your wisdom and your talents.

To support Maria in her latest endeavor, Latinas Plus 50, go to and donate to her crowdfunding campaign. The official website for this event is See you at the event on June 21, 2014!

Carmen M. Colon is a mother, an engineer by trade, an education and childrens advocate, an author and a workshop facilitator on the topics of leadership, womens empowerment, career advancement and parenting.
She is writing a book on a series of "Dear Sons" letters to her three sons on an array of topics and issues and is conducting a set of interviews with Latinas whose personal journeys have impacted other lives beyond their own circles. It is called Latinas Who Launch Lives. Both books will be out early 2015.
Carmen's website is
Carmen's books can be found online at both Amazon:
and Barnes and Noble at

Monday, May 12, 2014

Bullying In the Workplace

There are all types of discrimination, not just the obvious ones. At the workplace, now with companies completely aware that they can be held liable, especially. Yet it is there, beneath the surface, one person’s way to manipulate another.

As a Latina I’ve grown up being told what my rights are. My family is in Law Enforcement. I take justice seriously. I take equality seriously. So what does one do when they work in a place that allows inequality? Should I do as I’m constantly told and keep my head down and just show up so that I can receive a check? Or do I complain, as is my right? What if in complaining and tipping the “apple cart” the powers that be put blinders on and allow Management to harass the squeaky wheel?

It’s funny and sad. I recognize that my saving grace is my sense of self – they can never take that away from me and me knowing my rights are the only thing that keeps me calm when I am threatened. And I am threatened, every day. For every day that things do not change, for every day that injustice is allowed where I work, I know I must say something. I tried for a time to let things be but I could not. There are people all over the world suffering and I feel it heavily weighing on me – my silence.

I could not be silent anymore, so I complained and they pushed back and maligned my character and are trying to attack the only thing they know how to do, my paycheck and I can not stay silent. They want to judge me on technicalities and ask that no one look at the big picture, their big picture. But I learned from the best, the very officers of the company. I know they want more of me, not of them.

They sapped anything of true purpose from that place. They don't follow their own company rules and yet it will be me who will have to prove my worth. Well, my entire life has been about service. Let them try to besmirch that.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Dear Sons Don't Fall For The Hype - There's No Sugar With That Daddy That's Why Mom Drinks Tea

Dear Sons;

A short while ago I read about some woman who gave advice to her younger Ivy League alums about trying to find a husband while they were in college so that they can secure a future they supposedly wanted. I laughed then and I laugh now because during those years as you are now learning, it's the beginning of the very journey to finding out what you want for yourself. So when I heard this silly woman try to convince these poor young people that what they wanted was society's definition of "making it" I shook my head sadly because I could imagine how many young people were now being led down a really bad path.

"IDLE HANDS ARE THE DEVIL'S TOOLS" ~ Chaucer, 'Tale of Melibee' (c. 1386)[1]

The idle have been busy at work TODAY! This letter is going to be a two-parter I can just feel it!
You know what I've always said about the quote. People with nothing better to do than cause trouble for others (so that they can feel important) will do exactly that because they are not interested in doing anything with true intrinsic value for others.

Love and marriage are an amazing thing boys and we talk about it a lot because your momma is a loving force of nature. I begin my outlook on everything and everyone from a position of love. I love my universe and I work my way to loving my neighbor (by showing mutual respect) and then I have you three, where all my energy and love is built around. You three are my "All And All".
(Okay, shout out to Joyce Sims, private joke) But at the end of the day I must place myself at my center, I must love and strive for me so that I can be of assistance to you and the ones I love.

This is where so many get it wrong until years and years have passed, including your mom. Love and Marriage isn't what makes your life, it's not the Holy Grail of Happiness, in fact if you set out to find love and marriage as the foundation for a happy life what you may end up with is a life filled with disappointment, distractions keeping you from fulfilling your amazing destinies and heart break with more than a few people whose lives you'll cross. You all know this and you know it firsthand by watching me live my life. I shared everything with you. (with great broad paint strokes and not in every detail as I was not going to rob you of your childhood} When my marriage to your father ended and everyone now (18 years later) sees that it was the healthiest thing for everyone, it seemed that all I was ever told was to find someone else to marry. Someone who could "properly" take care of me and my sons. Now, I knew your dad had a tough time helping out in the finance department, after all what does two twenty somethings really know about living a life in New York City, the most expensive place on earth it feels like, but he struggled just like we all did and that wasn't the root of why we needed to separate.

So many opinions on what to do and how to live from so many people who were having issues of their own! Sure I was skeptical and didn't believe them because if I wanted expert advice I'd have gone out and found me an expert! (Question everything and research what you want and need for yourself!) But these people, many who were older family members all meant well. (I think) The road to happiness (code word: SECURITY) was to remarry and to remarry someone whose income could pay for your way in life. Hmmm, sounds like slavery or prostitution to me. But what did I know, I grew up with Disney and you couldn't get the notion out of MY head that one marries for love and only love. (refer to at least a dozen letters before this one)

So, I'm having my morning coffee and reading this article about some Ivy League misguided (maybe), opportunistic (hmmm, ok, more power to her I suppose) woman who thinks that leading others down this slippery slope of Sugar Daddies and Mommas is the key to happiness. Well, you know the real deal and it's not anything of the kind. There are quite a few reasons why.

1. You become someone's property if they feel they are contributing to YOUR bottom line and that leads to a host of things no young person wants to be a part of (can I get an AMEN i.e. Mariah Carey)
a. trophy spouse, gets a few baubles but no real chance at self fulfillment because now their lives are solely to make the paying spouse happy. Newsflash, entitled people get bored A LOT and QUICKLY.
b. arm candy, is only as good as they fit the mold and their feelings become secondary because King Pin and Queen Pin are too busy getting accolades on their latest and greatest addition to their POSSESSIONS. (they think they own you if they are putting up the money)
c. baby's momma or baby's daddy, code word for "noose around the financial neck AND testicles if you piss them off". The children are their play things and depending on which direction the wind is blowing they are going to play canasta on your ass if there is a loving child in play. (YES, I said canasta. I could have said Candy Crusher but there are a few things from last Century we need to never lose sight of and KEEPING IT REAL is one of them, so look it up at the library or Google it, #whatever, #lastcenturyrocked, "Pinstagram" that kids!)

2. If the person you co-habitate, civil union with, or marry feels they are giving more to the relationship financially then they are going to expect more being given to their hopes and dreams. After all, if someone is going to pay your way, then you better BE GOING THEIR WAY. Boys, the key to happiness is simple yet not easy. You have to be true to yourself and your dreams and your needs first, so how can you do that if you are beholden to someone simply because they make or have more cash than you?

3. Locking yourself to someone because they can provide security means they can feel they can treat you any way they wish. If that means to be abusive verbally, emotionally or physically then they will feel justified. Ok then Ms. Smarty Marry Pants, you can go out and find your next "dominator" or "dominatrix" if you want but my sons and the people I know can master their own lives and destinies by themselves.

4. Most importantly, being with someone who revels in feeling as if they are the center of the universe sets you up for future failures as an individual. How many spouses lose their mate who was running the house or the finances and now find themselves with nothing and nowhere to turn? Of course they are going to try to find someone else because THEY have lived a life of giving over their power to control their lives to someone else. What they need is a dose of, 'this is your life and guess what - THIS IS A NEW LIFE NOW!'

So this person who is currently making money by making "mischief" is telling young people to subscribe to a life of servitude? Ok, go follow that chick and you'll end up in Divorce Court and on an Episode of Law and Order's SVU if you keep looking for people who want a slave, pet, trophy or doormat.

Boys, the story behind sugar daddies and sugar mommas all lies in the weaknesses of human nature. There are those who want to feel superior and look to surround themselves with people not as strong in their opinions about themselves. There are those who feel they deserve their spouses to be subservient, and to them I say, go hire a housekeeper or a cook or an escort. At least they know they are charging for their services and they know it's a job, not a life.

Boys, you know how you feel about allowance time right. Think for yourselves my dears. When I got paid, I gave out allowance and even though I tried to be consistent so that you could rely on that money for your needs there were times I could not always make it the same amount. You hated it because you HAD TO RELY on this one source of income and you all told me the same thing I told grandpa when I was a teenager. "I want to get a job so that I can work for my money and I can pay for my own things." That is right! Now you're keeping it real! Depend on yourselves for the fundamentals in life so that you will always know you can.

You know mom is doing all she can and you also know that mom doesn't gamble her life or the lives of her children on the men and woman in her life, friends or lover. So if it can be done then I will do it. Oh I've had help sure but I've never rested my heart on someone to co-opt my life and then become my lord and master. I am mistress of my journey. The love I've had was always founded on mutual respect, love, affection, admiration and in those instances when I sought help and found them trying to treat me as if I was their property because they held that card over me, then away I went.

I know what it's like to be with someone who made more than me and who knowingly or unknowingly flaunted something that I was struggling with. How asking them for help became torturous because they acted as if helping out was such a chore for them and then they'd insist that I had to show my devotion in kind as if I was bartering my body for a loan to pay my rent. Nevermore. That does not a 'loving relationship of two equals' make. How much money either makes should not be a pre-requisite for a long life of happiness because I guarantee you someone's feelings are going to get hurt and the most independent one is going to move on and leave the other feeling used, abused and like crap. Trying to rebuild a life when the person you thought loved and respected you goes out to find a younger or more exciting model is not a way to go either.

The power my dears is in making yourself your own center. Enjoy meeting so many like yourselves along your journey, especially in college but don't hinge a lifetime on the whim of a stranger out to make a few bucks and a splash on the internet. Especially when you have such amazing dreams and THIS is the time to go for it! You're young, free and independent! Sure you are meeting some amazing people in college right now but you're able to reach for all your stars without fear of too many obstacles that you can't work through! Heck, the most fun your father and I had when we were your age (before and during our dating years) was traveling and meeting new people - and I mean simply exploring and discovering all that the five boroughs of our city had to offer! We loved each other and so we fell for that idea that we should marry and THEN begin our lives but we realized, later on, our lives had already started and even when we divorced, our lives hadn't ended, they'd only changed. Of course we had to change too and we did. We made a real honest deal to parent you all TOGETHER (it's called Shared Parenting), we made a deal to try and help each other if we could, with no promises, no expectations, no illusions and then we set off to seek our own fortunes.

Ok, Shared Parenting and seeking our own fortunes after divorce are definitely in some of my other letters... Don't waste your time looking to lock yourself into a life of possible misery by tying it to someone else's destiny. I guarantee you, a lesson I've only begun to fathom and understand finally after turning 40 is, you will meet amazing, loving and wonderful people. Some who will be of wonderful help to your destiny because in some way you are a wonderful help in theirs. [Ok, insert reason or a season life lesson here]

Here's a sample:

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

Now that you all are working and going to school I wish you so many wonderful adventures and I know you'll meet many reasons and seasons and lifetimes along the way. Just don't drop anchor my darlings and worst off in someone else's harbor. Sail that ship into the unknown, your mom will always be here to hear your stories and give advice if it's asked for. You do have my email right because mom's on her own voyage and I'm telling you those choppy seas may knock your momma around a bit but dammit I'm a hell of a navigator when I'm at my own helm! (I'll send you a post card or write another letter so we can always be in touch for you three are definitely my 'lifetimes'.)

Love always,

PS: Don't listen to people who want to help you navigate YOUR voyage. Don't fall for want of sugar mommas or sugar daddies, it's why I do my own thing ("I brew my own tea, no sugar please") and why rise or fall, it's all me.

PPS: The second part of this letter has to do with giving and getting. You give simply to give not to expect anything in return. That's a business arrangement (Quid Pro Quo) and not what "giving of yourself" is all about. Be on the lookout boys!

Carmen M. Colon is a mother, an engineer, an education and childrens advocate, an author and a workshop facilitator on the topics of leadership, womens empowerment, career advancement and parenting.
She is writing a set of "Dear Sons" letters to her three sons on a series of topics and issues.
Her website is
Her ebooks, Out On A Limb, on self confidence and self esteem can be found online in English and Spanish: The soft cover can be found at:

If you can show your support by gifting a copy of my Out On A Limb e-book (or two) to a young person, starting at age 7, we would be forever grateful. We want to pay our gratitude forward as much as we can. Thank you for reading. Carmen and the boys

Carmen M. Colon, Mother to three amazing self sufficient civic minded sons. Devin Christopher, 25, Fashion Designer, college student in NYC and youngest athletic director ever hired at a major sports complex in NYC. Antonio Fernandez, 21, choreographer, dancer, model, college student in NYC, has already performed with Cyndi Lauper at the Beacon Theatre and simply ready for his close-up. Taylor Aidan, 18, also college bound, is also an amazing singer who is studying to be the next greatest sign language interpreter the world's ever known. (DISCLAIMER: Ok, mom wrote that.)

[1] Titelman,Gregory, "Popular Proverbs and Sayings"

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Dear Sons Time Is More Precious Than Sex So Don't Give That Away Either

Dear Sons;

The one thing I can tell you about being in love is that you end up making mistakes. Sometimes over and over but that's not so bad if you learn from them. What I've learned from loving humanity, loving my community, loving my causes and loving the men and women that have crossed my path is this: give them your time and you've declared your love. People will WASTE YOUR TIME trying to distract you with things that don't matter on the LIVE YOUR LIFE scale. "Oh don't love this one, they're too self absorbed or don't commit to that cause it will sap you of your energy AND your money." TEll them this: "I am not here to live for you. Go live your own life."

Oh there are people and causes that I've "lived for", ones that I've devoted so much of my time, energy, emotions, my body and my money to and I've no regrets. I'd done it because I'd made the choice to and so like a mature human being I take full responsibility for all of my actions - even the crazy ones. At the end of the day I chased after that one because I wanted to, or I joined that association or campaign because I WANTED TO. Me, not the people who kept buzzing in my ear and my inbox with their pearls of wisdom being given ever so freely from their hiding place behind their laptops.

The one good thing about having me go before you in this journey called life is that I will not steer you into danger if I can help it. I am your litmus test to the best of my ability and I know that if I can prepare you to make choices that feel right to you, if I can show you that taking sole responsibility for those choices will make you great men of courage and wisdom then I have been the mother I should be.

"The most important thing that parents can teach their children is how to get along without them."
Frank A. Clark

I know I spoil you all because you three are my treasures, my most precious love in this universe and any other.(Your mom is a sci-fi fan, so sue me) I over indulge you at times and show you some of the better things in life when I am able so that you can seek out your own passions and ignite your own curiosities. I introduce you to people that I feel will enrich your life not complicate it. But I am your mother and I do it willingly and with unconditional love. I also know I am razor sharp when I have to be, I pull no punches, I take no prisoners and I make sure that the punishment will always give you more than pause if you EVEN THINK of repeating something you knew you shouldn't have. I did this so that you would hopefully never have outsiders judge you, punish you, or alter your life. Or when you came before those who might wish to be judge and jury then you would know that those are the ones you must prepare yourselves for. This world is dangerous, people are unpredictable, circumstances are unpredictable but you'll have a fighting chance to survive it if I have anything to do with it. (Terminator 1 and 2 really did a job on me, thank you Linda Hamilton)

I've never kept anything too serious from you while you were growing up, after all I was parenting you on my own. You might have had both mom and dad but dad was always more comfortable being your playmate and your friend. The hard choices were made by me, the groundwork to surviving had to be figured out by me. Time has afforded me the ability to understand choices made by others including your father and so I no longer resent anyone. That's a load off my shoulders and it was the first hint I got as to how I would find happiness in life.

Hanging on for years to old concepts and old feelings of resentment, anger, fear and even love will sap you of your youth, your strength, your prospects and your life: PERIOD. Understanding time would be the key. Let the bad stuff go, let it all go and let those people go. There is only one path to follow and my loves, that's your own. So when you love something, a cause, a goal, a person, a community, give the one thing you can never get back but give it wisely - your time. You can be in a love affair and give of your body, your money, your emotions but when you give up your time you are giving more of yourself than any other gift. Your body will forget, your spirit will learn to soar again and your emotions will heal and wisen up and learn but time you can't get back.

Pining for people to love you back when they don't is a waste. Working for a community that doesn't appreciate all the back breaking and hard working things you contribute means that they don't deserve you, least of all your time. Working towards a goal based on the promise of others or on the promise of money or happiness is a road you don't want to take because you may not reach that goal but you'll have given up all that time. Your journey, each choice you make, each turn you take, that's yours, that's your life. If you make money or lose money while you're on that journey so be it, but making money isn't the reason to alter your choices. We have lived with little and we have lived comfortably and while we joke about being happy to live with great abundance we have seen what that does to people who get that as well.

My love, I might have had to split my time with many while you three were growing up but it was so that I can give you what you needed. Now that you three are on your own journeys, each of you in college seeking your own passions and your own purpose, you see dear ole mom loving our time together. I am blissfully happy on those days I can spend an hour or so with each of you and I am tickled pink when I am in all of your company at once that I can barely contain myself. My three princes, my three loves, my three reasons for being on this earth. For you I will always make time. So when you spend time with others, when you spend time on projects, when you spend time with friends, always make sure they are worthy of it. Don't take excuses and don't let your love for others ever outweigh your love for yourself. Time here on earth isn't promised; a kiss, a hug, that's nice. A conversation, a late night chat even more beautiful. A pat on the back is okay, a certificate, a statue, an article of acknowledgement is fine but days of longing, wishing, hoping to be noticed, no. Don't let it get to that.

There are so many out there looking for you to grace their lives, whether personally or in business. Go out, explore, follow your instincts, discover many things and let them find you and share the one thing that is truly precious, their time.

Now, who has got time to pick me up tonight?